praying without believing

when your child is in danger it will cause you to do all kinds of crazy things.

my 10 year old daughter has had a tough life. since infancy she has suffered from a severe neurological disorder. she has undergone four surgeries, including a corpus-callosotomy, the removal of the brain matter that connects the 2 hemispheres of the brain.

she has been treated by the best pediatric neurologists in america. she has had numerous hospital stays. prior to her brain surgery, she was being transported to the emergency room 2 to 4 times each week to stop status seizures. she spent 2 years on a highly restrictive diet administered by the epilepsy team at johns-hopkins. she had a vagus nerve stimulator surgically implanted at washington university medical center. she also had a g-tube, so she could be fed while she sleeps, installed at denver children's hospital. she needed the g-tube because she was not gaining enough weight.

on wednesday, april 14th, the surgeons broke the bones on the outsides of each of her feet and lengthened them by adding a bone graft. they also broke her heels and moved them to an ideal location, then added screws to hold them in place.

hopefully, these procedures will allow her more stability so she can walk better and even run.

she has been a trooper throughout all of this. she is currently sitting in her hospital bed, surrounded by balloons and teddy bears, wearing big purple casts with pink hearts and sparkles. the prognosis is good.

as her daddy, i have done my best to stay positive. i have to admit though, i have been scared. i am also heartbroken, watching this beautiful, courageous and loving child experience so much adversity. i wonder how much she really understands about what she is going through. i worry about the impact of being forced to undergo painful, life-changing procedures without even having a vote on the matter.

the night before her surgery, she seemed excited about having “a sleepover at the hospital with mommy.” she talked about the “sleepover” enthusiastically and prepared by gathering a few items, teddy-bear, bubbles, and balloons, that she wanted to take with her.

but she also cried. she complained about a hangnail. she fell down and claimed that she could not get up without help. she told me, weeping, that she had gotten soap in her eyes while she was bathing. though she was optimistic on the surface, her anxiety and fear was evident.

i held her in my arms. i told her, “you know what sweetie, everything's going to be okay.” throughout the rest of the evening, she kept repeating, “everything's going to be okay, daddy?”

i wasn't so convinced, but i hoped i had convinced her.

after she went to bed, i went out to the garage and prayed.

i could only hope that someone was listening. since i don't believe in god, praying represents an act of complete desperation. i really needed there to be a god and i needed him (or her) to hear me—to watch over my daughter. my lack of power over my daughter's wellness was total.

i was praying as much that someone or something had the power necessary to protect her as i was that he would protect her.

some people call this foxhole praying. some say that god only answers prayers if you have faith. well, i don't have faith. i've tried; it's just not there. but i still prayed.

i figure that if there is really a loving god that has the ability to help my daughter, he doesn't give a sh!t about some “it only works if you have faith” technicality. personally, i would help a child in need whether they or their father had faith or not.

i figure that, if there is a god, he helps where he is able. if not, i wouldn't trust him anyway.

seekingintongues

p.s. if you're out there, please watch over my little girl