how i was spiritually raped and left for dead (part12)

click here to read this story from the beginning


the men who committed the atrocities of september 11 were certainly not 'cowards,' as they were repeatedly described in the western media, nor were they lunatics in any ordinary sense. they were men of faith - perfect faith, as it turns out - and this, it must finally be acknowledged, is a terrible thing to be. - Sam Harris

is faith a virtue as pope gregory i proclaimed?

in 1632, galileo galilei published his book, dialogue concerning two chief world systems, a comparison of the copernican and ptolemaic views. according to the ptolemaic view, the earth was the center of the universe. copernicus, on the other hand, claimed that the earth orbited the sun. as a result of his book, galileo was convicted of “grave suspicion of heresy” by the inquisition. he was condemned to hell and sentenced to house arrest for the remainder of his life.

and although copernicus' ideas were verifiable through observation, parishioners were not only forbidden from believing that which could be proven by mathematics and observation, they were denied access to writings which even mentioned these ideas. publication of all of galileo's works, past and future, was forbidden.

what was the basis of the rejection of copernican thought? a book called genesis, written by an unknown author and determined by the political powers of the time to be inspired by an unseen and mysterious “holy spirit,” who, as one-third of a triune god, had placed these men in a position of authority to rule over the lives and wealth of the masses.

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it's not so hard to understand why i was able to suspend critical thought and blindly follow bob, even to my own peril. i, like most of us, had always considered faith a virtue. many of our greatest artists, thinkers, leaders and humanitarians were men and women of faith. mother theresa, martin luther king, johann sebatian bach, benjamin franklin, george s. patton, ronald reagan, mahatma ghandi, anne frank, harriet tubman, malcolm x and muhamed ali all relied on their faith in god.

when faith clashes with observable fact we are often asked to deny that which we can see, touch, taste, smell and hear, or at least reinterpret our observations, retrofitting them to support faith in that which cannot be physically observed.

bob was a master at manipulating one's faith. he understood the extremes to which a faithful individual might be willing to go. he depended upon it, exploited it to achieve his agenda.

speaking of clayton's death, bob said, “he chose it.” rejecting the fact that clayton suffered from a life-threatening illness which had been diagnosed using state-of-the-art, replicable, scientific techniques and ignoring the fact that bob himself, had denied clayton the treatment which likely would have saved his life, he claimed that clayton's death was due to a deep-seated spiritual shortcoming—the desire to take the easy way out.

as evidence, bob cited his own previous bout with hepatitis. but he failed to mention the fact that he had contracted a different and very curable form of hepatitis, hepatitis-a, or that his hepatitis was cured using mainstream medicine.

nearly everyone in the program began saying, “clayton chose it.” in fact, it was the explanation for any one who died in the program.

i remember one kid, a 15 year-old boy, who had been banished from the program following multiple relapses. the boy died as a result of huffing glade room deodorizer. when i asked a young girl, a friend of his, how she felt about losing her friend, she shrugged her shoulders and said, “he chose it.”

i had not lost my faith, just my faith in bob. in fact, it wasn't that i'd lost faith in bob, but instead i came to recognize that he was lost. i vacillated between the belief that he was a sociopath, who had been a con-artist from the very start, and the belief that he had been pure at one point, but had lost his way, adopting machiavellian methods to protect his power and wealth.

he had begun his career as a drug rehabilitator in 1971, when he was employed by an episcopal priest to lead a group of teenagers in a church-sponsored, youth support-group. a woman, who later became his wife, was running an alateen group at the church. many of the kids in the alateen group were smoking pot and using other drugs, so they became some of the first members of the new support-group.

bob would hang out with the kids. he would tell wild stories about his experiences on the streets of baltimore and his time in the federal penitentiary. the kids would hang out at night and prank the local community. when someone in the group reached 30 days without using drugs, bob and the group would get drunk and celebrate. bob told me this. he also said that he slept with some of the girls and that he even dropped acid with some of them. he claimed that his soon to be wife straightened him out, telling him he could no longer use alcohol and must remain true to her. abstinence from alcohol became part of the program's view of recovery.

the program continued to mushroom, partly due to bob's charisma, but also due to the hard work and deep pockets of local businessmen who were the beneficiaries of houston's oil boom.

bob helped a local up and coming rock star break his heroin addiction. the star achieved national fame shortly thereafter and it is through this individual that bob may have become connected to one of the nation's most well-known actress/comediennes. she was seeking help for her daughter who had been using drugs, so she sent her child to houston to be treated in the program which bob now claimed to have personally founded.

impressed with her daughter's progress, she went on national television and plugged bob and his program. this caused parents from around the nation to inquire about the program. kids were coming in from around the country. new chapters began to pop-up throughout texas and in other states.

bob had also begun working for a houston-based hospital, where he was being paid to oversee an inpatient unit which worked side-by-side with his support groups. he was making good money. he was also becoming somewhat of a celebrity.

all this came to a halt when, in 1979 and early 1980, he became the focus of two national news expose`s, one on 60 minutes and one on 20/20. when it was determined that he was being paid to use his position with a non-profit organization to fill hospital beds for a for-profit hospital and that he had been using harmful cultic practices to maintain control, he was fired.

he then exploited another celebrity who had befriended him to start another non-profit program in california. he opened a private for-profit treatment program and again used the non-profit group to funnel kids into his for-profit fee-based program.

in time, his for-profit program was shut down by the state and he was fired from the non-profit. he was found to be promoting racist ideals, using cultic methods and attempting to circumvent the state's authority.

we knew he'd faced these challenges, but we were never told the whole story. instead, we were told that he'd been run out of the texas-based program by a manipulative rival who had lied to the board of directors and that his problems in california were due to a local investigative reporter (who bob claimed was also a child pornographer) that went after him in order to start his own youth group, presumably as a means of getting close to kids.

it was easy to imagine that bob had started out pure, but had become tainted as a result of being victimized in the past. he was terrified of the media. he maintained that no news reporter or news organization could be trusted—that he had trusted them in the past only to be destroyed by them. we were taught defensive measures. no one was allowed to talk to the media under any circumstances. if the media contacted anyone from the program for any reason, bob would hold an emergency meeting to discuss the “threat.” all of the programs became private, for-profit entities so that we could maintain control. we were careful about what we said to outsiders.

at times i would think, perhaps bob had just become too insulated. there were no checks on his power. he was paranoid. then, i would put the pieces together again. he had been released from the penitentiary just prior to being hired by the episcopal priest. he had a long history of illegal and unethical activity. he was hurting people. he lied without hesitation. he never expressed remorse. he was glib in the face of others' trauma. he had left a path of destruction behind him everywhere he went. in fact, there was not a shred of evidence that he had ever demonstrated a single genuine act of altruism, only his claims and those of his followers.

his philosophy for treating drug abusers was unconventional and there were no studies to demonstrate its efficacy, only his claims to have saved the lives of thousands. still, even after seeing failure, destruction and death, even after recognizing that most of the kids we worked with eventually returned to drugs, after having to defend the organization from those who called us a cult, after realizing that all of bob's most loyal supporters had left or been cast aside, after my awakening in the santan mountains, i believed that his philosophy regarding drug rehabilitation was sound.

i was waiting for my opportunity to connect with my wife and get my family out, but was still mired in confusion about bob, his initial intent and the validity of the program that we were delivering to the kids.

it was excruciating at times. i had set out to help people and i still held the belief that his approach alone could save the lives of dying teenagers. i had been so indoctrinated to believe that nothing else worked that i feared what would happen if this program no longer existed. it would be years before i would realize the truth: that very few kids were actually dying from drugs use, and; that scores of other doctors, therapists, and programs were succeeding in helping kids get off drugs.

my internal struggle continued--guilt, fear, anger, loneliness, loyalty, love. is leaving the right thing to do? is there any way to stay and lobby to correct the mistakes we were making? perhaps, as bob had often stated, i was using my intellect to destroy myself. he had told me that my intellect was my worst enemy—that i needed to stop thinking, to have faith, to trust the universe.

i was torn..observable evidence vs. longstanding faith.

to make matters worse, i was still undergoing constant indoctrination. though i'd made a decision to leave, i still had to go to work every day. i still had to attend staff purposes, as well as all of bob's lectures. i still had to endure frequent confrontation. i had no meaningful contact with the outside world. perhaps most devastating was the fact that the only tool i knew for resolving my internal conflict was the program's doctrine.

i had to turn the doctrine around. up to this point, faith had meant sticking with the program, accepting bob's ideals even in the face of contrary evidence. fear was the opposite of faith. to reject or question bob was to give in to fear. now, i had to tell myself that to stay with the program was to give in to fear. i determined that perhaps god had intervened—maybe he had given me the clarity to see bob for the sociopath that he was. maybe i needed to depend on god to help me escape with my family. maybe god was watching over me.

i couldn't maintain these thoughts for long periods. i would stop my car on my way home every day and take time alone to clear my head--to return the truth. i was not yet free, but i began to be able to imagine what it would be like to be free.

each day i struggled with these conflicting thoughts. each day i hit the streets on my rollerblades. each day, i parked my car on the way home and cleared my mind, reminding myself of who bob really was. each day i placed dominoes.

a year after i had returned from my sabbatical in the santan mountains, the opportunity arose. after lying to my wife for a year, i decided that this was the time to tell her the truth. this would either be the beginning of our escape from this cult which had destroyed virtually every part of our essence, the beginning of a new life, or it would be the end of our family.

i was about to lay some heavy stuff on my wife. i was about to tell he that i'd been conning her and everyone else she considered dear to her. over the last year, i had stashed nearly $10,000.00 in cash, escape money that she didn't know about. i would show her the money. i had no way to know whether she would agree to leave or whether she would take our daughter and run to bob and his wife. this could be the last time we'd ever speak to each other.

things had not been going well between us. we had recently been allowed to take an overnight trip to the grand canyon. it was our first vacation in years. we had arranged for one of the young women on staff to take care of our daughter so we could be alone.

just prior to our trip, my wife had consulted with bob's wife. she had gone to her seeking her blessing to have a baby. my wife desperately wanted another child and this desire was growing each day.

i don't know exactly what bob's wife told her. it was between them, not for my ears. i do know, however, that my wife returned from her discussion terrified. as a result of her conversation with bob's wife, she was unable to be intimate with me. it cast a cloud over our vacation. bob's wife had planted seeds, causing my wife to be afraid that, if she let go, i would impregnate her as a manipulative means of gaining control over her.

this carried over after we returned home. bob's wife was able to convince her that becoming pregnant would destroy all of my her spiritual progress. further, she claimed that i was somehow manipulating my wife, causing her to have the desire to have a baby, so i could keep her down and maintain control. she told her that she looked to men to make her happy and that she needed to learn to be happy on her own.

my wife had had long standing issues with her own mother, who had neglected her throughout her life. bob's wife accused my wife of being, “just like your mother.” she ultimately tore my wife apart and used the other girls in the program to break her.

my wife had approached her with the desire to have a baby and she had responded by launching a total push effort to destroy our marriage.

i was not privy to any of this, but i could tell my wife was devastated. she had begun to withdrawal from bob's wife, her longtime mentor. she was afraid.

so i told her everything. “i'm not happy,” i said. “this is not the life i want. i've lost my passion.”

i reminded her of our lives before the program, the intimacy we shared, our dreams for the future. we talked for hours. it was the first time in years that we'd talked openly. i told her everything.

from that point forward, we were no longer alone.

“what should we do?,” she asked. i showed her the money. “we have to leave,” i said.

i laid out a plan.

leaving wouldn't be easy. in the real world, if one wanted to quit his job, he would simply put in notice and leave. coworkers might hold an office party. employers would provide a letter of reference. everyone would wish him well. but this wasn't the real world.

in this world, to leave meant to die, if not physically then at least spiritually and symbolically. leaving bob was tantamount to betrayal. we would lose all of our friends. in fact, they would ultimately see us as the enemy, part of the “them” in the group's us and them worldview.

we lived in a world where bob's wife used hypnosis to plant phobias in others, a world where she could enter one's dreams and cause emotional catastrophe, affecting one's thoughts actions and sanity. those who had left, often experienced devastating health problems, a return to addiction, incarceration, insanity, and death—or so we were told.

upon leaving, we would enter a world we did not know. for years, we had been separated from the outside. we'd come to believe that it was a dangerous place, filled with evil. no one could be trusted. we had no connections. no friends. no family. no job prospects. no resources. no history.

after devoting my entire adult life to this work, this program, this man, i would leave with no verifiable employment history. i knew bob would never give me a letter of recommendation. he would not make himself available to verify my employment. in fact, he would do everything within his power to insure that i would fail in any endeavor i undertook. it was his way. he simply couldn't tolerate the idea of anyone having any success for which he could not take full credit.


my wife was afraid that they would take extreme measures to make us stay...or that they would try to separate us and try to get one of us to stay. bob's wife was trying to end our marriage, and she wasn't accustomed to failure. she understood the the tremendous ability of bob's wife to influence, to spin one's head, creating doubt and confusion. she also knew that bob's wife was capable of quickly employing and exploiting the one's peers to manipulate them. her power should not be underestimated.

bob would not see it coming. as far as he was concerned, i was a loyal follower who saw him as near deity. over the past year, i had been calculated in fostering this idea. i had sat at bob's feet while he told me of his plans to go overseas and spend a month with the buddhist monks, a trip which would be paid for by one of bob's wealthy followers.

“you're going to be disappointed,” i said. “i think you will find that you're lightyears ahead of all of them. while they've been sitting on the mountain, you've been changing people's lives, changing your life, my life. if you go, you go to teach...that will be your lesson.”

in order to manipulate me, bob would need information. he would need to understand my motivation, why i was leaving. i would make sure he remained in the dark. i wouldn't allow him to read me. i would not demonstrate anger or give him any reason to believe i doubted him.

i told my wife that i would call bob and tell him that i needed to speak with him immediately. this would cause him to panic; it would throw him off his game. then, i would go to his house and give 30 days notice, simply stating that i was unhappy.

he would need to try to come across as though he knew where i was coming from, that he was cosmic enough to know the answers without asking questions. since he didn't know what was motivating me, he wouldn't attempt to try to explain or counter things. he would look for cues, but i wouldn't provide them. he would, in fact, be shocked by my announcement. he'd be off balance, confused. this would prevent him from trying to manipulate me.

my wife decided that she wanted to avoid any further contact with anyone from the program. she had been working with rachael, doing the books for the program. she decided that, once i talked to bob, she would drop off all of her bookkeeping materials at rachael's house with a letter of resignation, effective immediately.

i would go to work every day for the next 30 days. i would also look for work outside the state, where they couldn't find us. at the end of my 30 days, we would leave, moving wherever necessary to obtain a job.

the next day, i called bob. my phone call and conversation with bob went exactly as planned. he was thrown. he offered to send me to pennsylvania where he was trying to launch an outpatient program. he also offered to contact a friend in branson, missouri to help me obtain a job in the live entertainment industry, a line of work which he knew i'd had a passion for.

after i left his house, i picked up my wife and we dropped the bookkeeping materials and resignation letter in rachael's foyer, using the key she'd given her to access her office when she was not home.

the smear campaign started within days. bob spread rumors, one that we were running away because my wife had gotten pregnant. he said that i was a pedophile, that i had been stealing, using drugs. he searched for reasons why i would simply walk in and announce my resignation without seeking his approval. where he could find no answers, he created them, filled in the blanks. without reservation, he said whatever he wanted to say about me and my wife. he couldn't possibly accept the fact that i was on to him.

from my perspective, everyone in the program was an agent of bob. i assumed that when i was speaking to them, i was speaking to bob. i knew that bob was telling them exactly how they should interact with me, how they should treat me, where they stood with me.

when i walked into a room, everyone would stop talking. people would leave.

i was responsible for the counselor training school, but they wouldn't let me anywhere near the trainees. so i focused on making sure all the paperwork and records were up to date. i also made sure that the curriculum was organized for whomever might take over the training program.

i was told that i no longer needed to attend clinical staffing at the residential center, staff purpose, or clinical meetings for the outpatient program. i went to the hospital every day and met my responsibilities there.

i had one other responsibility as well. i was writing the policy and procedure manual for the new pennsylvania program and working on getting it licensed for bob.

the push to open the program had begun with several pennsylvania parents, some of whom had sent their children to arizona for treatment. they had created a loosely structured committee to raise money. bob had agreed to send a director to run the program and to provide the counselors. he had asked me to get the program licensed.

i tried to reach bob, to remind him that, since i was leaving, he would need to inform the people from pennsylvania that i wouldn't be completing their policy and procedure manual. he would need to find someone else. he wouldn't take my calls. since i couldn't reach bob, i tried to go to george. he wouldn't take my calls either. i showed up at his office, but he closed his office door and instructed his staff to inform me that he was busy. after several attempts, i gave up.

a couple weeks passed and i knew that no one had informed the pennsylvania families that i was not going to get the program licensed, soi decided to call them myself.

i told them that i was leaving bob's organization and that i would not be completing the p&p. to my surprise, they offered me the job as director of the program. i explained further. “i don't think you understand,” i said. “i'm not going to be working with bob in any capacity.”

thay responded, “so what?”

i was not accustomed to this kind of response. no one did anything without bob's blessing. how could these people decide that they would simply move forward without him. i tried to be more clear.

“i am leaving bob's organization because of philosophical differences. if i were to come there and run the program, it would be my program, not bob's. we would have no affiliation with bob, no support from him. he would interpret it as though we stole his program.

bob had already sent 2 young counselors who had just recently graduated from training. they had been holding support group meetings and sending paying clients from pennsylvania to bob's arizona programs. he had made at least one trip to pennsylvania to meet with the parents, young people and community leaders. he had invested a lot of time and energy and considered the pennsylvania operation to be part of his national organization. if he lost the program, he would be livid.

the families in pennsylvania felt no loyalty toward bob. in fact, they thought he was a nutcase. not only had they found him obnoxious and arrogant, but they had been waiting months for him to send a director and were beginning to believe that he wouldn't be able to produce one. they told me they had asked for me, but that bob refused to let them anywhere near me. bob had never discussed this with me.

the truth is, he didn't have anyone to send. opening a program in pennslvania was legally and politically tricky. no one within the organization had the experience and knowledge needed to make it work within pennsylvania's tight regulatory environment.

i agreed to fly to pennsylvania and meet with the families that were backing the project. i would fly in over the weekend (i was still working for bob—fulfilling my 30-days), meet with the parents, tour the area and discuss the terms. if we all agreed, we would move forward.

it would be critical that no one other than the parents who were backing the program knew anything about my coming to pennsylvania. everything was done cloak and dagger style. the pa staff and many of the kids in the pa support group were communicating with folks from phoenix on a regular basis. if bob found out that i was considering taking the program, he would immediately pull the staff, leaving the group with no guidance. further, he would likely attempt to sabotage the entire pa operation. he would also instruct the counselors to exploit their relationships with the kids in the support group, causing them to believe that i had malicious intent.

i knew bob couldn't be trusted. interestingly, so did these parents who were backing the program. bob had thought he had them completely convinced that he was the solution to their local drug problem. he was wrong.

my plane circled over the statue of liberty as we approached newark international airport. below, i could see the twin towers through the window. as we touched down, i felt excited, fearful, apprehensive and hopeful all at the same time.

a couple, one of the sets of parents who'd been funding the pennsylvania program, picked me up at the airport. we drove across the new jersey/pennsylvania border and stopped at a restaurant to meet two other couples, also program supporters, for dinner.

that night we all met in my hotel suite. we talked for hours. i was deeply impressed with these fine folks. they were committed to helping their kids and the community.

the next day, they took me to tour the area. the trees and the grass were a stark contrast to the arizona desert. the local parks were filled with children and families. the community was vibrant. it seemed like an excellent place to raise our daughter.

we had dinner and more discussion. i had insisted that they review my c.v. and ask me questions. we also discussed the terms, if i were to come to pennsylvania.

i went home on sunday night and discussed everything with my wife. together, we decided that moving to pennsylvania was the right thing to do. so, i contacted the folks in pennsylvania and accepted the offer.

we all decided that, since bob couldn't be trusted, we wouldn't tell him anything until after i had arrived in pa to take over the program.

ten days later, our cars and belongings having been transported to pennsylania, my wife, my daughter and i boarded a plan to the east coast to start a new life.

i had had my first contact with one of bob's programs 16 years earlier. i had devoted nearly my entire adult life to his organizations. i had joined forces with bob accepting his promise of love—believing that through the principles of love and honesty we would change the world.

we were walking away from the only life we had known and into a world we didn't understand--one we had been taught not to trust.

i had given everything to bob, to this dream of setting free those who had been enslaved by drugs, fear, emptiness and trauma. i was a true believer. not only did i believe that unconditional love for others had the power to affect the world both physically and spiritually, i believed in bob's love for me.

now, at age 35, i was escaping his torturous love, saving my own life. saving my family.

i showed our daughter the glorious statue of liberty, through the window, as our plane approached the newark airport. it was the first time she'd ever seen it.

you said
love is a temple
love's a higher law
love is a temple
love is a higher law
you asked me to enter
but then you made me crawl
and i can't keep holding on
'cause all you've got is hurt ~ u2


to be continued

author's note: part 12 of how i was spiritually raped and left for dead was one of the most difficult parts to write, because it represents the death of a dream. for 16 years, i had devoted my life to a dream, that of saving lives, changing lives, changing the world.

though i made many mistakes along the way, hurt a lot of people (right now, i'm thinking of you steve s. and willie v.), i was always motivated by that dream. i often worked 12 and 16 hour days...sometimes longer. i endured sleepless nights, bouts of true poverty, frequent moves from city to city, self flagellation, criticism, loneliness and brutal confrontation. i sacrificed my own health, both physical and mental, to tend to the needs of my brothers and sisters, to serve a higher purpose.

i had known, without any doubt, that this was my purpose.

i loved the people who, for 16 years, had been my family. i was devoted to them and to bob.

i had loved bob deeply.

i'm not a saint. i never was...not even close. but i had a dream.

enjoy the video.

seeking in tongues