god has a purpose for me (part 4)

read part 1 here
read part 2 here
read part 3 here

i could find relief only in knowing that it was the right thing to do. this god thing had to be stamped out, lest my wife and daughter suffer due to my own selfish desire to believe.

bob and his wife attempted to destroy my marriage and family. for several years, they drove a wedge between us, coercing us into “reporting” on each other. our house was not our house, it was his. bob and his wife were “present” in our house, at our meals, in our bedroom, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. there was no sanctuary in our home, because anything we said or did would be reported to them. i was constantly on guard, watching every comment, every facial expression, every act for fear that these would be reported to the bob and his wife and used against me.

when my wife and i had the thought that we might want to have another child (we’d had one prior to being fully indoctrinated), my wife went to them to ask their approval. the result was that they pushed harder to drive us apart. they put a total stop to our sex life. not only would a child make it more difficult to separate my wife from me, but it angered them that my wife would even have this desire independent of them. bob's wife had thought she was much closer to separating us than she had been.

they controlled every aspect of our parenting of our daughter. at one point, i suffered a brutal verbal beating by bob and his wife, followed by weeks of being ostracized by them, my friends in the organization, and my wife.

my crime? i helped my daughter remove some excess salad dressing that she had accidentally spilled on her salad. according to bob's wife, this act somehow represented an undermining of my wife’s authority and a statement of male-chauvinism. in addition to the former punishment, she saw to it that my wife and i were not intimate for months.

thirteen years ago i left bob and his organization. thankfully, i was able to get my wife and child out as well. it wasn’t easy. in order to get them out, i had to become as crafty and manipulative as bob.

after a turn of events caused me to realize that bob's organization was a destructive cult, i had to fool him and the others, causing them to believe that i was still loyal to them until i was able to create an opportunity to reach my wife. it was during this period that bob told me that, now that i realized there was nothing out there (meaning no god), i needed to put my full faith in him. “i am the closest thing to a god that you’ll ever have,” he said.

it was too late. he had been god to me for a long time, but not any more.

a lot has changed over 13 years. my wife and i have enjoyed great intimacy at times. we have had two more children. my oldest daughter is an excellent student and gifted musician. we are, for the most part, happy. i have retained employment and been able to make ends meet. i have also been fortunate enough to continue my education, taking college classes and attending frequent workshops, seminars and conferences related to my work. i get to listen to and play music again. long gone is the fear that my actions, thoughts, moods are going to be reported. also gone is the once constant fear of being torn away from my family or being banished from the spiritual fold.

for years i had nightmares that bob and his wife came and took my family away. i still occassionally have those dreams.

i enjoy spending time with my 3 daughters. we laugh and play heartily. i am a good father and take pride in my attentiveness as a father.

also, i have rekindled my passion for helping people. it is rewarding to see the impact of my work on the individuals and families i have helped. this brings me joy.

that said, there is one thing that continues to elude me...faith. as hard as i’ve tried, i simply can’t believe for a sustained period. i have attended churches, read religious and spiritual materials, prayed. i’ve literally strained to believe; yet faith continues to elude me.

when i begin to believe, i can’t seem to help feeling as though i’m setting myself up to be conned once again. worse, everything that i hear or read from those who do have faith, in regard to what is necessary to obtain it, sounds suspiciously familiar to the things i was taught by bob.

i know there are those that will say that millions have been harmed and in the name of religion. and certainly that’s true. i have no doubt that others, like bob have used god and religion for evil purposes. many have been harmed by their local churches. others have lived in fear and guilt handed out through mainstream religious doctrine.

religions have been responsible for tragedies such as war, racism, sexual discrimination, slavery, sexual abuse, bigotry, hate, homophobia, abuse of power, and fascism just to name a few. however, until i met bob, that was not my experience.  the god that was in my heart would never do these things.

i was taught that all people were equal in the eyes of god—that you couldn’t judge a person by the color of their skin, their sexuality, their culture or heritage, or the size of their bank account. i was never a huge proponent of organized religion, which i had learned was not what truly what represented “the church”. a church, to me, was simply an organization where, believers could gather and enjoy fellowship.

i was warned from an early age to never put my faith in any individual—that all of us had a direct link to god and had no need for an intercessory. i was taught and believed that god alone had the corner on truth. i believed that there were many paths to god.

i grew up believing that god would reveal himself to everyone. that he was concerned with our day to day lives. that he would help us when we needed help. that we were all god’s children. that he loved us equally.

i grew up believing that we were created by a loving god.
never in my life was anything more dear to me...more important.

god has a purpose for me.

or at least he did.

where did it go?



epilogue

no doubt, some will judge me harshly for allowing myself to be fooled in such a dramatic way. others will claim that, had i truly had faith, or the right kind of faith, or believed in the right god, i would have been "protected" from this evil. but i am telling this story because i believe that virtually anyone is vulnerable. scientology, children of god, the branch davidians, end time ministries, the unification church, the cornerstone program, pathway drug abuse program, the way international, lifespring, the jim roberts group, synanon, erhardt seminar trainin and fundamentalist latter day saints are a just a few organizations that have coaxed thousands away from their lives, their families, their faiths.

they promise truth and deliver lies.

in my case, it never occurred to me that anyone could be as manipulative as bob. additionally, i was vulnerable precisely because i believed that my faith would protect me from lies.

how did i allow someone to have such total control over my life? why didn't i just leave in the beginning? how could anyone give away so much power?

i will tell that story, on this blog, over the next year. hope you'll stay tuned.

seeking in tongues